I feel like my insides are showing

We filmed me painting outside but inside my studio, I speak to you. Evidently, I talk with my hands, so I was directed to keep still. Oh, that was hard for me. ©2017 Alicia R Peterson. Photo: Artist

We filmed me painting outside but inside my studio, I speak to you. Evidently, I talk with my hands, so I was directed to keep still. Oh, that was hard for me. ©2017 Alicia R Peterson. Photo: Artist

Today is the day! It is a brisk 29 degrees in the north shore of Long Island. My bamboo forest is swaying with the strong winds… and drats, there is no snow in the forecast. I do so love to paint in the snow.

But no matter, true to my form, I just must paint outside so we just must film outside.

I have not slept except in fits and starts in what feels like too long but I am humming with excitement and energy. I am further fueled by my favorite comfort food, a BLT on gluten-free bread cooked to perfection by my secret admirer. Somehow this cultural Jew from NYC has a thing for bacon. Today will be my public painting debut. Dare I hope there will be no painting disasters? Yes, I have had my share of creating work that looks vile. But please not on camera!

Caption: Stop staring at me, I wanted to say. ©2107 Alicia R Peterson. Photo: Artist.

Stop staring at me, I wanted to say. ©2107 Alicia R Peterson. Photo: Artist.

I have declared first to myself and then to my trusted videographer, Peter Scheer, that I am finally ready to let you in on my painting process. Well, at least a glimpse. This scares me to pieces. What will you see? What will you think? Will you “get” my process?

And loudest of all is the old brain tape of “stay small, stay quiet, and stay safe.” With all my might, I am re-wiring that message of old and stepping into the grandeur of self.

I have denied myself painting for 10 days!

I have a daily and often nightly studio practice, so 10 days feels like an eternity for me. Yes, I cheated and sketched but no paint touched my hands! Somehow I think if I am starved to paint, glory will more easily pour out of me.

I meditate and ground. I feel the wind blowing, bringing me to a place of flow. The camera in my face and the two men staring at me fade… Nothing exists but line, color and space.

Share your stories of living loud below.

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