I am waking up in the middle of the night with dread. There is the tinge of stress in all my steps.

I walk into my studio and say to myself, “My paintings are not good enough.” 

It must be opening night.

The dichotomy of my life is so clear at this moment. I have just completed an intensive 6 months creative burst. My new work stops me in my tracks. So where is that artist? Where is that voice now?

In 2013 after quitting my 29-year life as Doctor of Audiology, I jumped off the cliff of certainty and into the chaos of artist entrepreneur.

I did not know if my feet would touch the ground. But I was certain I had to jump after 2 decades of keeping my voice silent. 

As I wavered on the edge, some of my fellow creatives suggested that I imagine parachutes to break my fall off the cliff.  Some reminded me of their support in all my choices to soften my fall. And some put a foot on my butt and tried to push me off the cliff.

I give heartfelt thanks to all those feet nudging me into the great unknown. 

This is not my first rodeo, I mean opening. What I have come to realize is that my life as an artist mirrors our lives in many ways and like the seasons, spring will surely come. I have been telling myself to accept this ebb and flow of anxiety and self doubt like the tides. Flow in, flow out…can you tell I have returned to my meditation practice?

Anxiety, uncomplimentary self-talk…. Can I become friends with these? 

What if my doubts are universal and like my shadow, part of my make-up? I recently heard a veteran, very successful artist proclaim, “I don’t know if I can create anything worthy again.”

By the time you get near the top that voice of “I can’t” is supposed to stop right?

Well, no I guess.

And the kernel of the idea that I must make friends with all my colors in art and in life started to grow.

Perhaps the conversation with the voice of “I can’t”  should go like this: “Hello old friend. What do you have to say? And can you leave now?”

P.S. The opening was grand!  Yes, not just the artists came to the opening. Yes, I got prime wall space. Yes, Balance Motion was in motion.

The Show Must Go On!

Inspired By 
Open through January 29, 2017
The Long Island Museum
1200 Route 25A
Stony Brook, NY 11790
Info Long Island Museum: 631-751-0066